Father's Day 2013

Today was so difficult. I knew it was coming, but still the constant stream of Father’s Day reminders on Facebook, in stores, etc just make it hard to escape the fact that my kids don’t have their father any more. I know too that Thursday, marking the anniversary of Chuck’s death, along with what should have been our 21st wedding anniversary, is going to be another tough day to get through. 

Feeling the pressure of the holidays and upcoming milestones all three of us have had a hard week. Samantha got into the car after softball practice earlier this week and broke down. Her teammates were making plans for Father’s Day gifts and activities and she smiled through it until practice was over but couldn't keep it up once she got in the car with me. When I tried to comfort her and empathize on our way home, and tell her I miss him too - she looked at me and said, “You still have a dad.” 

Although I was fairly successful at distracting my daughter today (Who knew a traveling T-shirt store could evoke such happiness... "OMG 1D World! I think I'm literally going to pass out!"), but less so with Charlie. I came home at 10 pm this evening, after getting the grocery shopping done for the week with Samantha, and Charlie was gone. Got a hold of him to find he had gone for a walk and was sitting in the park in the neighborhood across the street, in the dark by himself. Father’s Day had really hit him hard - and he didn't want to be alone in our house anymore. I went over to be with him, hopefully get him home, and just sat with him and let him cry. Always makes me lose it too though... so I’m sure I’m was of very little help. As hard as it is to have lost my husband - the worst part by far - is seeing my kids in pain and feeling helpless to fix it. I wouldn't wish parenting a grieving child on my worst enemy.  I have some huge setbacks in my life, and this is the hardest thing I have ever had to face. I still get nightmares imagining the night at Diamond Lake, so far away from help, and my then 15 year old son dealing with the sudden unexpected death of a father he was so incredibly close to, during their Father’s Day weekend fishing trip. Not to mention what Sam went through when we drove through the night to go get him.

I tell myself constantly, “I got this.” For two years - I have been affirming to myself (kind of like Stuart Smalley on SNL) that I can be enough parent for these two amazing kids. I can love them enough, provide a positive environment for them and their friends in our home, and earn enough to support them. Recognizing I don’t really have any other option, I kind of have to sell it to myself on a regular basis when it feels overwhelming. This wasn't what I had planned when I made the choice to become a mother - but it is what it is. I got this, I got this, I got this. After this week leading up to these milestones, along with another personal setback that hit me pretty hard, I’m hoping to quiet the second voice somewhere in my head saying, “Yea, but what if you don’t?”