Friday, January 20, 2012

ok - breathe in. After a very long and difficult week, I finally feel like I'm coming up for air. The grief this week has been so acute. Really since New Years Eve - the holiday escape trip coming to an end... starting off 2012 without Chuck, the gloomy weather, I don't know. I have felt like there has been an enormous weight on my chest. I haven't been alone, by yesterday, my daughter had barely slept in two nights and pretty much couldn't function. She stayed home sick - which I almost never let them do. I just didn't know what else to do, she was exhausted and overwhelmed.

Now it is Friday - and I get to look forward to home time with the kids for the next two days until we start over on Monday. We got this.

He's been gone seven months. So many times I have heard from friends, "I just don't know what to say."

There are no magic words that are going to make this easier. We miss Chuck, the pain is horrible. We need time. We are desperately sad. We are irritable. We are tired and depressed. Although we are doing the things we need to do during the day - work, school, etc. generally there is nothing left after that to reassure folks that we are doing "OK" when asked. 

There are some friends that seem to let not knowing what to say, be a reason to not say anything. 

The smallest gestures of kindness have meant so much to us these past few months. Something as simple as offering to give one of the kids a ride, a short note or post on my Facebook wall that we are in a friend's prayers, the flood of cards and letters received sharing our sadness and some story about Chuck, or why he was special, how proud he was of his family. There are also countless big gestures, of which the generosity overwhelms me. The family and friends who have delivered meals, taken us out, donated to the college fund setup for the kids... even a book dedication. I cling to knowledge that there is a network of family and friends out there propping us up until we are back on our feet. The days when I tell myself I cannot do is this support that allows me to function.

It's always ok to reach out. Even if it feels awkward. From the bottom of my heart I will always be grateful to those of you who have.